


Ciel's Epitaph

by orphan_account



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Death, M/M, Reminiscing, thoughts before death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-16
Updated: 2014-02-16
Packaged: 2018-01-12 15:56:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1191006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ciel's thoughts before, after and while Sebastian takes his soul. TT_TT This is before I knew that he survived in season 2, okay?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ciel's Epitaph

Lacrimosa. That’s what I dubbed this place. This island; the cliffs and trees that point straight into the sky. How long it took to get here, I do not know. Time is irrelevant.  
“Will it hurt?” I asked him.  
“Just a bit, I’m afraid. I’ll try to be as gentle as possible.” He walked closer.  
“No, go ahead and be brutal. Etch pain deep into my soul as proof I lived.” It would be my final wish. He smiled, kneeling before me before he rose again and slipped his hand under the string of my eye patch. He pulled it off, and it fell to the floor. It was too silent.  
I wonder, my butler. Did you ever enjoy it? Those days of serving me? Did you ever once care, or was it all an act? I know how superb your acting is, after all. Did you count the days until this moment? I realize that you believe I am the ultimate soul. The Last Supper. I am a blend of spices, mixed perfectly to stimulate the senses. Mustn’t everything else taste like sand?  
I know that this whole time I have loved you, but is that even the proper word? You were my butler, one who heard my calls from across the country. You would always protect me. Always, you would take out my orders. I am ridiculed without your help for even the most mundane tasks. Was it all an act, though? Do you see, through those demonic eyes, no more than a meal? It’s quite obvious that your prophetic skills are excellent; you always seem to know the outcome. Did you know of this day, too?  
I feel that in a situation like this, I should say something inspirational. Something like what the characters in books say when they die. I feel as though I should thank you, but what for? Well, obviously I should thank you for your service, but it wasn’t even “service”, was it? You were just playacting. It’s all gone according to the script.  
Our bond is nonexistent, yet it’s there. It’s inexplicable. There aren’t words. It’s the bond of master and servant, which means nothing. It’s the bond of closeness that’s similar to…similar to nothing; to everything. It also has no closeness. Really, you are just a demon who I made a deal with. You would serve me and assist me in my revenge, and I would feed you.  
That one night when you held me close as I wept in my dreams, I’m sure we didn’t grow closer. That’s the most I’ve ever cried. My guard was completely down. I wonder if it was then that I knew of this love for you? Your rough but sweet kisses lulled me into dreamland, the kind without the soldiers. Fields of ripe blue flowers, calling out to us.  
If you look at all of my memories, I’m sure you’ll see that all of them contain you. Granted, all of the recent ones will. When was there ever a time that you weren’t there for me? Since you seem to know of everything that is to happen, maybe you targeted me from the beginning. Perhaps I did not summon you. Did you plan on devouring this wretched soul from the start?  
Even though you don’t deserve it, thank you, Sebastian. I wonder if I have ever truly thanked someone. And, Sebastian, that isn’t even your name. I wonder what your real name is. You must have one. I can’t imagine how someone would call you otherwise. Or maybe you just respond to whatever given name you have at the time.  
All of this I thought in the three seconds before you kissed me. It wasn’t like before; it was a farewell. “I bid you adieu” it seemed to say. I know the kiss was probably a formality; a ritualistic thing, but I wonder if you meant more. My thoughts scoffed. What a ridiculous idea.  
In those last moments, I grew weaker and weaker. Is this what it’s like to die? It was most painful, but beautiful. It was the most beautiful thing. I longed to reach up and touch your silken hair one last time, but it was as if my arms ceased functioning. Will you pull my arms up there for me? I’m probably dead already. Already, the soft sensation of your lips against mine is fading. Even though I’ve stopped feeling, the dead can still think. Are you enjoying my soul? Does is taste as flavorful as you thought it would? I wonder if these thoughts are part of the deal. Can you hear me, Sebastian? If you can, thank you. Go ahead and laugh, if you like. A child? Thanking a demon? Who would have thought?  
Oh, I can feel my thoughts beginning to fade, too. How I am thinking this now, I don’t know. Perhaps it is an unconscious act. Something thought deeper than the actual level of thinking. I surely must be dead now.  
I opened my eyes a slit and saw through them Sebastian. Has he taken all of it? I saw him look a little shocked; I always liked that expression on his face. He quickly smiled, knowing I was aware. It wasn’t his chilling demonic, or that ghastly fake smile he used to charm all the women, it was his true smile. It was the truest smile I’d ever seen on him, anyway. Maybe this one was fake, too. Did he smile for my sake, knowing I was watching with my final conscious moment? I think I’ll show you that I haven’t truly forgotten. I only chose to lock it away. So, I smiled. It was probably the faintest smile I’d ever made. It was the most truthful, though. If you can’t hear my thoughts, hopefully this will portray my emotions. Thank you, and I love you. I know it isn’t the right word, but I love you. Did you find the letter I have hidden in my drawer? I love you, and this is goodbye.  
I strangely feel nothing as I die. No sadness or loneliness; no regrets. I know I’ve made an impression on this world, though. The proof is those pretty feelings. They glimmered and shone like summer fireflies, drifting past. They were pretty. I’ve never really thought of anything as pretty. Everything is so ugly, always concealing its rotted intentions. Maybe there are things that are truly beautiful, though. Have I been too blind to see?  
I have sworn a silent vow to keep my eyes open until I die. I want to see your smiling face as I leave this world. When I saw your hand reach up and close my eyes, I knew. This is it, huh? I feel peaceful.


End file.
